Categories
Humor Lifestyle

“Daddy, Where Is My Money?”

Every kid comes of age, the age when they begin to take their destinies into their hands.

Perhaps one of the earliest manifestation of this natural tendencies is when kids kick against the idea of their mother “keeping” their “hard earned” money for them. The age when they begin to realise that accountability has been lacking. This is usually the money gotten from family and friends as tips.

Stealing-money-from-piggy-bank (1)My 7 year old kid and his brother decided to get a piggy bank for themselves to keep their money, and of course, keeping proper records in the process. Each denomination was properly recorded in an old school notebook. He also put his elementary maths into good use by summing up the money, a grand total of N7,150 (US$45). The only information not captured was the serial numbers of the bills.

Over time, i had “borrowed” from this funds, interest-free and without necessary approvals, taking care to return the missing money before the next audit. And everything has been fine.

That was until one morning last week when i was woken up by my son, asking for the whereabout of his money.

Oops!

How do i explain to this kid, without losing face, that i had helped myself to his money?

“Ehm, it is with me. I…I.. will put it back”, i responded with a bold face.

Indeed, i felt like a thief.

Wonder what the guy was thinking as he left the room. I only wish he does not think of me as such.

Sigh.

Categories
Controversies Humor Social Media

My Facebook Lovers

Ordinarily, i am not the type that Kiss and Tell but the attention i have been receiving lately from members of the opposite sex has been so overwhelming that i feed the need to share my good fortune with everyone. Afterall, it is not everytime you have pretty ladies falling over themselves to catch the attention of a nerd.

Perhaps they love my blog and the way i write?

Check out some of the love letters i received on Facebook recently and tell me, honestly, if you wouldnt love to be in my shoes. Please look beyond the grammatical errors, “no be grammar we go chop”!

The last one is my favourite.

 

Dearest, In fact, I am very glad to write you at this time when the two of us looking for a soul mate in a beautiful place. My name is celina. I believe that this similarity that I have come knocking on the door of your heart, you open for me to enter. I’ll be very grateful if we can establish this relationship. I will stop so far, until I hear from you.

It’s me, celina

Please try using this e-mail add (celinakona@yahoo.com) send me your mail to my inbox so that I Can send my picture. Celina

 

GREETINGS FROM SHANTEL. Hello dear My name is Shantel. I was impressed when i saw your profile today at (www.facebook.com) and i will like to establish a long lasting relationship with you. In addition,i will like you to reply me through this my private e-mail box ( shanteldesmond200@yahoo.in ) Thanks waiting to hear from you soon. Shantel

I will send to you my pictures in my next mail through this my mail box email here shanteldesmond200@yahoo.in

 

HELLO, I am ELLEN! How are you? hope you are fine and in perfect condition of health. Please I went through your profile and i read it and took interest in it, please if you don’t mind i will like you to write me on this ID (dickson.ellen@yahoo.com) hope to hear from you soon, and I will be waiting for your mail because i have something VERY important to tell you. (dickson.ellen@yahoo.com)

Lots of love ELLEN !

 

Hello Dear, My name is miracle Larry, after reading your profile here Short took an interest in you, and I really vital information related to my life and future that I want to reveal to you, so please reply me with your e-mail address me here miraclelarry518 @ yahoo.co.uk where you you will be able to write to you to tell you more about me, as well as send you the attached images Please reply me with your e-mail address me here miraclelarry518 @ yahoo.co.uk

You new friend Miss Miracle, Thanks

 

Hello My Dear, Please pardon me if I busted into you in a wrong way, but i like to say this truth in my heart. I must confess that you are handsome and I would like you to know that this handsomeness i see in youis the heart of every woman. I would like to know you better as I am searching for a long lasting relationship. I am a woman and my name is Miss Precious Tamba and I just saw your profile and sincerely i like you and would like to have a good relationship with you. Also please tell me more about yourself, what is your Nationality, what is your job and your position in your working place and everything you think I need to know about you as your good friend. Sorry if I ask too much Question just want to know you better and as I said above my name is Precious Tamba and I will tell you more about myself too when I get your reply Do have a pleasant day and stay blessed. and here is my email address precioustamba160@gmail.com to write and send me an email

I wait for your reply.precioustamba160@gmail.com I will send my picture if i hear from you.

Precious

Categories
Humor

Enter your Password [JOKE]

I was working in a wall street investment bank about 10 years ago when someone from the Information Technology group came by our office asking us to enter our passwords in the new sofware system.

My colleague, Barry, with his usual rebellious attitude, entered the password, penis”

We nearly died laughing when the computer issued the following reply to his choice of password:

***PASSWORD REJECTED! TOO SHORT.***

🙂

Categories
Humor Lifestyle

The Story Of Creation

In the beginning there was the Computer.
And God said

C:>LET THERE BE LIGHT!
Enter user-id.
C:>GOD
Enter password.
C:>OMNISCIENT
Password incorrect. Try again.
C:>OMNIPOTENT
Password incorrect. Try again.
C:>TECHNOCRAT
And God logged on at 00:00:01 day 1.
C:>LET THERE BE LIGHT!
Unrecognisable command. Try again.
C:>CREATE LIGHT
Done
C:>RUN HEAVEN AND EARTH
And God created Day and Night. And God saw that there were 0 errors.

And God logged off at 00:01:00 day 1.

And God logged on at 00:00:01 day 2.

C:>LET THERE BE FIRMAMENT IN THE MIDST OF WATER AND LIGHT
Unrecognisable command. Try again..
C:>CREATE FIRMAMENT
Done.
C:>RUN HEAVEN AND EARTH
And God divided the waters. And God saw that there were 0 errors.

And God logged off at 00:02:00 day 2.

And God logged on at 00:00:01 day 3.

C:>LET THE WATERS UNDER HEAVEN BE GATHERED TOGETHER UNTO ONE PLACE AND LET THE DRY LAND APPEAR
Too many characters in specification string. Try again.
C:>CREATE DRY_LAND
Done.
C:>RUN HEAVEN AND EARTH
C:>LET THE EARTH PRODUCE FRESH GROWTH LET THERE BE ON THE EARTH PLANTS
Too many characters in specification string. Try again.
C:>CREATE PLANTS
C:>RUN HEAVEN AND EARTH
So it was; the Earth yielded fresh growth plants bearing seed. And God saw that there were 0 errors.

And God logged off at 00:02:00 day 3.

And God logged on at 00:00:01 day 4.

C:>CREATE LIGHTS IN THE FIRMAMENT TO DIVIDE THE DAY FROM THE NIGHT
Unspecified type. Try again.
C:>CREATE SUN_MOON_STARS
Done
C:>RUN HEAVEN AND EARTH
These lights governed day and night and separated light from darkness. And God saw there were 0 errors.

And God logged off at 00:02:00 day 4.

And God logged on at 00:00:01 day 5.

C:>CREATE FISH
Done
C:>CREATE FOWL
Done
C:>RUN HEAVEN AND EARTH
And God created the great sea monsters and every living creature that creepeth wherewith the waters swarmed after its kind and every winged fowl after its kind. And God saw that there were 0 errors.

And God logged off at 00:02:00 day 5.

And God logged on at 00:00:01 day 6.

C:>CREATE CATTLE
Done
C:>CREATE CREEPY_THINGS
Done
C:>RUN HEAVEN AND EARTH
C:>NOW LET US MAKE MAN IN OUR IMAGE
Unspecified type. Try again.
C:>CREATE MAN
Done
C:>BE FRUITFUL AND MULTIPLY AND REPLENISH THE EARTH AND SUBDUE IT AND HAVE DOMINION OVER THE FISH OF THE SEA AND OVER THE FOWL OF THE AIR AND OVER EVERY LIVING THING THAT CREEPETH UPON THE EARTH
Too many command operands. Try again.
C:>RUN MULTIPLICATION
Execution terminated. 6 errors.
C:>INSERT BREATH
Done
C:>RUN MULTIPLICATION
Execution terminated. 5 errors.
C:>MOVE MAN TO GARDEN OF EDEN
File Garden of Eden does not exist.
C:>CREATE GARDEN.EDN
Done
C:>MOVE MAN TO GARDEN.EDN
Done
C:>RUN MULTIPLICATION
Execution terminated. 4 errors.
C:>COPY WOMAN FROM MAN
Done
C:>RUN MULTIPLICATION
Execution terminated. 3 errors.
C:>CREATE DESIRE
Done
C:>RUN MULTIPLICATION
Execution terminated. 2 errors.
C:>CREATE FREEWILL
Done
C:>RUN FREEWILL
And God saw man and woman being fruitful and multiplying in Garden.edn
Warning: No time limit set. 1 errors.
C:>UNDO DESIRE
Desire cannot be undone. File may be in use by Freewill.
C:>DELETE FREEWILL
Freewill cannot be deleted. it may be a hidden or system file or may be in use.
Enter replacement cancel or ask for help.
C:>HELP
Desire cannot be undone. File may be in use by Freewill.
Freewill cannot be deleted. it may be a hidden or system file or may be in use.
Try again cancel or quit program.
Try again
Try again cancel or quit program.
cancel
Try again cancel or quit program.
quit
Try again cancel or quit program.
C:>CREATE TREE_OF_KNOWLEDGE
And God saw man and woman being fruitful and multiplying in Garden.edn
Warning: No time limit set. 1 errors.
C:>CREATE GOOD EVIL
Done
C:>ACTIVATE EVIL
And God saw he had created shame.
Warning system error. Missing or corrupt file: Man and Woman not in Garden.edn. 1 errors.
C:>SCAN GARDEN.EDN FOR MAN WOMAN
Search failed.
C:>DELETE SHAME
Shame cannot be deleted. File may be in use by Freewill.
C:>DELETE FREEWILL
Freewill cannot be deleted. it may be a hidden or system file or may be in use.
Enter replacement cancel or ask for help.
C:>STOP
Unrecognizable command. Try again
C:>BREAK
C:>BREAK
C:>BREAK
ATTENTION ALL USERS *** ATTENTION ALL USERS COMPUTER GOING DOWN FOR REGULAR MAINTENANCE IN FIVE MINUTES. PLEASE LOG OFF.
C:>CREATE NEW WORLD
You have exceeded your allocated file space.
You must destroy old files before new ones can be created.
C:>DESTROY EARTH
Destroy earth: Please confirm.
COMPUTER DOWN *** COMPUTER DOWN.
SERVICES WILL RESUME day 8 AT 00:00:00
YOU MUST SIGN OFF NOW.

And God logged off at 23:59:59 day 6.

And God rested.

Source

Categories
Humor Lifestyle

Help Desk [Joke]

Just a nice little story to remember and think of when you think that your computer hates you!

This is a story from the Word Perfect Helpline which was transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer care department.

Needless to say the HelpDesk employee was fired; however, he is currently suing the WordPerfect organization for “Termination without Cause”.

Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee (now I know why they record these conversations).

“Ridge Hall computer assistance; may I help you?”

“Yes, well, I’m having trouble with WordPerfect.”

“What sort of trouble?”

“Well I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away”.

“Went away?”

“They disappeared.”

“Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?”

“Nothing.”

“Nothing?”

“It’s blank; it won’t accept anything when I type.”

“Are you still in WordPerfect or did you get out?”

“Howdo I tell?”

“Can you see the C:prompt on the screen?”

“What’s a sea-prompt?”

“Never mind. Can you move your cursor around the screen?”

“There isn’t any cursor: I told you, it won’t accept anything I type”.

“Does your monitor have a power indicator?”

“What’s a monitor?”

“It’s the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it’s on?”

“I don’t know?”

“Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?”

“Yes, I think so”.

“Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it’s plugged into the wall.”

“Yes it is”

“When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?”

“No.”

“Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable.”

“Okay, here it is.”

“Follow it for me, and tell me if it’s plugged securely into the back of your computer”.

“I can’t reach it.”

“Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?”

“No.”

“Even if you maybe put your knee on something and Lean way over?”

“Oh, it’s not because I don’t have the right angle It’s because it’s dark.”

“Dark?”

“Yes the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window.”

“Well, turn on the office light then.”

“I can’t.”

“No? Why not?”

“Because there’s a power failure.”

“A power…. A power failure? Aha, Okay, we’ve got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?”

“Well, yes I keep them in the closet.”

“Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from.”

“Really? Is it that bad?”

“Yes, I’m afraid it is.”

“Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?”

“TELL THEM YOU ARE TOO FUCKING STUPID TO OWN A COMPUTER.”

– Posted using BlogPress

Categories
Entertainment Humor

Miska Muska Mickeyyyy Mouse !!!

It has become something of a routine and it was that time of the month again this morning.

“Wale, the DSTv subscription would be due tomorrow …”
I kept quiet.
“Daddy, mama said  …”
“I have heard !”cutting off my 5 year old son
“Okay, so how much are you contributing this time”, addressing my wife.
“I don’t have any money”
I kept quiet.

You see, in an average African family, the man is regarded as the breadwinner and he is expected to foot, at least, most of the bills. Expectedly, with this responsibility comes some deference and preferential treatment in the home. Like you get to eat the biggest pieces of meat in the pot (yeah, we are still carnivores here), you get to have a final word on some (emphasis on Some, not all) issues, you do not have to do any house hold chores, ..

But one thing that has always bothered me is the Cable TV (DSTV) remote control. Who does the TV remote belong to? I do not think it is out of place for the man to own the remote, afterall he pays for it. Unfortunately, the reality is far from that. In my home, over time, i have been relegated to my man cave, with absolutely no claim to the TV remote. So much for “paying the piper and dictating the tune” you would say! But, really, i kind of think i am not alone in this. Why should we men continue to pay for what we do not enjoy?!

Three camps have been formed;

Camp 1 – The Wifey : Preference for E! Entertainment and any of those gossip channels, with a dose of the crime channels. Ummh. 😡
Camp 2 – The Boys : Cartoon channels, with preference for the one with blinding loud colours, Disney Junior Channel. Even my 16 month old son is already into Mickey Mouse; Miska Muska Mickeyyyy Mouse!!! Aaaaargghhhh!!!!
Camp 3 – Yours Truly : News & documentary channels. And no, i don’t do sports!

The few times i have put my foot down and insisted on watching my channels, it is usually with much discomfort. My kids have a way of making you feel very guilty. Within minutes, i hand back the remote and retire to the safety of my man cave. If only i had enough money for one of those dual channel subscriptions. 🙁

Oh well, i guess the battle is for another day. Where is my bank card?

Categories
Gadgets Humor Mobile

I Hate Blackberry

Is it just me or are there other men out there who, just like me, have a problem with the almost endless periods their wives (or women) spend chatting on their Blackberries? Anyone?

I have always given the Blackberry its due respect for what it stands for and what it has been able to achieve but I have never particularly liked it for a lot of objective reasons that I have listed here and here. From this disadvantaged point, I only need the slightest reason to nail its coffin and burry the device for good.

You see, my wife had her birthday sometime this month and she got a Blackberry as a gift. Of course she was excited about it but I had some reservations which I expressed to her. She replied, “oh, I wont go about adding just anybody’s BB pin (she has kept her word on this) but just a few friends”. Very reasonable, isn’t it? The problem is, I would gladly trade the few friends she has added for the whole world!

Right from when she wakes up, till she goes to bed, there is always that irritating and annoying chime that is always driving me to the wall. There is always a chat session going on.

Chime…Chime…Chime….arrrghhhh!!!

“So, who are you chatting with this time”
“Banke”
“But you have been chatting with her all day, and it is rather late”
“She wants to know who got evicted from Big Brother’s house”
“Please just switch off that thing and spare a little time for your family”
“Why should I switch it off, at least, when you are with your iPad, you rarely have time for anyone too”

I paused as the truth sank in. As usual, she has won the argument. How exactly can I explain to her that what I do on my iPad is “brain” work on how to make the world a better place and not some idle chat?! I became more resolved in my conviction to sabotage her phone.

I had threatened to sabotage the phone and, really, I can do it. Thankfully, she is not very tech savvy, so I could just tamper with the Internet configuration and she would be no wiser. I am really bidding my time, will strike at the right moment, leaving no trace of my dastardly act.

Hehehehehehe. (Wicked laugh)

– Posted using BlogPress from my iPad